Adolescence is characterized by a a search for self-identity and a need for acceptance from others. Younger children are content with their identities as members of a family unit. While this continues to be important for pre and early teens, they begin
to comprehend the notion of affiliation by choice and peer groups become a major focus. The middle school mind spends a lot of energy comparing and contrasting and sorting and categorizing. As physiological changes are occurring rapidly at this time,
physical differences that may have received little attention before, such as height, weight, skin color, and nose size, now become glaringly apparent. Differences are far easier to spot than similarities for young people, especially in the absence of a
search below the surface, and peer groups often form on the basis of exclusion. This, along with the need for acceptance, can create the false notion for many teens that in order to have "in" groups someone has to be out. It's not unusual for a group of
kids who were close buddies in elementary school to suddenly cast off one member in middle school based on some difference indiscernible to the adult eye. This is painful to the individual who is dismissed and creates quiet dread in the remaining members
as they wonder who will be next. Some members will become incredibly loyal to the person or persons in the group who seem to be making the decisions on who's in and who's out and will do almost anything to maintain position. This dynamic is often the
basis for bullying behavior and, taken further, gang mentality. Increasingly, cyberspace is being used in exclusionary tactics. How do we help young teens get their needs met, make good decisions about affiliation and consider the feelings of others? We
need to continue to pull teenagers into the family unit by spending time with them doing things they enjoy and making the home a place where they can be themselves with acceptance. The idea that teens must put a distance between themselves and their
parents in order for normal development is incorrect and dangerous. The relationship will need to change along with young person but not weaken or disappear. We need to be aware of ourselves as models. Young people pay attention to the words and actions
of the adults who are important to them. They need to see us embracing diversity as an opportunity for growth and treating others with respect even when we have differences. We need to help them see that there is much more to a person than physical
appearance. They need to be responsible for making healthy choices and staying well-groomed, not critiquing others. We need to assist them in choosing peer groups based on what they want to do and be rather than seeking popularity or avoiding exclusion.
Encouraging kids to participate in sports, arts, community service, church youth groups, scouts, etc. provides them with a sense of belonging and purpose. Finally, we need to help them develop a sense of empathy and demand that they think about how their
words and actions might impact others.